Scott brings France to Chris
Scott revisited Wednesday’s experiment in which Chris appeared to charm a French restaurant worker simply by speaking broken French in his normal Pinner accent. Chris still believed Isabelle had found his voice sexy, accepted his claim to be a famous footballer and wanted to meet him. He pictured her as the glamorous European woman on a magazine cover and took listeners’ messages calling him a romantic legend as confirmation that the technique worked.
What Chris did not know was that the telephone call had been staged with an English woman using a convincing French accent. Scott had told the audience while Chris collected coffee and asked everybody to keep the secret. For the next stage, he announced that Chris would not need to travel because the programme had “brought France” to him.
An actress posing as Isabelle entered the studio and said she had travelled over for the weekend. Chris was startled but continued the pretence that he was a footballer and offered to take her out for chicken. She then announced that she had brought her friend Michelle, who also loved English men and found Chris’s accent magnificent.
Michelle turned out to be a man. Isabelle said they were a couple but both wanted to spend the weekend with Chris. Unsure what arrangement was being proposed, Chris asked whether Scott had paid them and wondered why Michelle appeared keener than Isabelle. During an off-air conversation, he concluded that French couples were more liberal and “very keen to become a triple”.
Scott finally brought both visitors back and revealed that they were English actors named Matt and Gemma. The original caller was also English and had never been attracted by Chris’s accent. Listening again, Chris realised the French voices were much less convincing than they had seemed when he wanted the story to be true. The programme repeatedly replayed his confident assessment of the supposed couple’s intentions.
Zoe prepares to become Baby Spice
Show introducer Zoe said she was about to join the Spice Girls for a school fundraising performance. Sixth-form students created tribute acts which younger pupils could bid on, with the successful performers later serving as their helpers for a day, carrying bags and collecting McDonald’s.
As the only blonde member of her group, Zoe would play Baby Spice. Other students planned to imitate One Direction and perform “Single Ladies”. Chris volunteered to join in as Flo Rida or Pitbull, complete with sunglasses, a suit and a swimming cap to conceal his hair. He hoped the younger pupils might bid for him, although he remembered being the cheapest participant in a similar university auction.
Missed Connections
Beccy’s collection of genuine messages began with somebody searching for a man who ran through a cinema wearing only black Speedos, fell into the writer’s lap and escaped from security. Chris admitted that he had once streaked through a university lecture wearing a mask and minimal protection, reasoning that the seated audience made it an ideal location.
Another person wanted the employee who handed over cold cuts and shared an intense moment while both held the same piece of salami. A man sought a woman who had been sick on a train, believing they connected after discussing whether her burrito contained beans.
The longest message concerned a woman who resembled Bryan Cranston and complained that she had sweated through her clothes before noon. The writer was so distracted that he tripped over a kerb and landed on his lunch, making her laugh until she nearly choked. She later applied deodorant in public and left it behind, so he took it home in the hope of returning it during a date. He even offered to wear the food-stained trousers from their first encounter.
A listener quickly claimed to be the worker from the salami message, recalling a three-second pause while customer and server held opposite ends. The programme had not yet united any of its Missed Connections but Scott remained hopeful that a future success would end in a wedding for which he could buy a hat.
Dear Scott
A listener proposed reviving Beccy Raps with “Gangnam Style”. Beccy was away, so Scott volunteered her for the challenge and suggested she begin learning the Korean lyrics before his return from holiday. He then had to clarify again that her absence was not maternity leave and that she was not having a baby.
Another email asked about the woman singing the 24 Years at the Tap End theme. She was Maria Byrne, whose own music could be found online, not the similarly named “Tesco Mary”. The programme also shared a second “Gangnam Style” tattoo, this time the title written in elaborate script, after the previous day’s portrait of Psy attracted attention.
Real or No Real with Danny Howard
Danny Howard joined the final round before his Saturday dance show. Sharks genuinely urinated through their skin, but chinchillas had not evolved from tigers and did not reveal striped skin when shaved.
Penguins really were too top-heavy to walk backwards. Sir Alex Ferguson had not kept the same piece of chewing gum for 20 years, although the team accepted that constant chewing must have given him a powerful jaw. Barack Obama’s favourite food was not pickled onions and he did not eat two jars a week. Scott finished with 50 points to Danny’s 40 after a moment of confusion over one answer.
The show ended with Scott beginning a two-week holiday and Huw Stephens preparing to cover the weekday afternoon programme.
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