Scott meets one of his television heroes
Scott was unusually nervous about welcoming Chris Lilley, the Australian creator and star of Summer Heights High, Angry Boys and Ja’mie: Private School Girl. He had briefly backed away when they first met, while Chris admitted he was jet-lagged and felt as though it were four in the morning. Although he visited Britain regularly and liked the idea of living there during summer, he was less convinced he could cope with the snow.
Chris had returned to Jonah Takalua for Jonah from Tonga. The new series began after Jonah’s expulsion from Summer Heights High, with his family sending him to live with an uncle in Tonga before he returned to a new Australian school. Its opening image, Jonah high in a tree throwing coconuts, had not been scripted: Chris became competitive with the 12-year-old playing Jonah’s brother, climbed higher than him and realised the result would make a memorable introduction.
Scott wanted to understand how one performer could inhabit so many distinct characters. Chris said writing the programmes himself helped make their worlds feel real by filming time. He sometimes forgot he was watching himself, while friends noticed the character continuing off camera. After Angry Boys he could not stop using a middle-finger gesture, and Ja’mie’s mannerisms lingered in the same way. Catchphrases such as “quiche” and Ja’mie’s obsession with a thigh gap had travelled far beyond people who watched the programme.
Chris would not reveal which character might come next. He disliked being told what to do, so any suggestion immediately made him less likely to choose it. Scott proposed a Radio 1 DJ, only to be informed that he had probably ruined the idea by mentioning it.
The driest Innuendo Bingo ever
Scott had worried that Innuendo Bingo might not work with somebody professionally trained to keep a straight face. His concern was justified. Chris sat opposite Chris Stark in pale trousers and remained almost completely unmoved, even as BBC Norfolk remembered Seve Ballesteros’s wife kissing his balls for luck and football commentary described a player going down on himself.
Nigella Lawson having two people in the bottom, an antiques shop’s “glory hole” and a Radio 2 listener buying his wife something blue-veined all failed to produce the usual soaking. Chris Stark sprayed water towards him and eventually coughed over him, but his guest maintained the rules were simple: he should spit only if he genuinely laughed.
The game became a contest between the show’s strongest clips and a performer accustomed to delivering comedy without breaking character. Scott declared Chris Lilley the winner for remembering what most guests forgot. The only significant wet patch on his trousers came from the man sitting opposite him.
Football knowledge and a listener’s rescue attempt
Scott continued winding Chris Stark up by delivering football news before he heard it elsewhere. Rio Ferdinand was leaving Manchester United and Tim Sherwood was no longer Tottenham Hotspur manager, facts Scott had obtained from the BBC Sport website while supposedly researching his promised World Cup song.
Chris doubted the song would ever exist. Listener Keith called after writing a chorus titled “Nation of Glory”, beginning with England playing without fear and ending in Brazil. He had lyrics but no music, and happened to be waiting for a delayed meeting rather than devoting his working day to Scott’s project. Scott said the words were already better than Pitbull’s official song and considered borrowing them while admitting his own Friday deadline was slipping.
Watford gets its own reality show
Plans for a TOWIE-style programme called We Are Watford fascinated Chris. Auditions were being held at a nightclub, although he struggled to explain what would distinguish Watford’s characters from the wealth of Chelsea or the flamboyance of Essex. The blurred line between auditioning and supposedly living a real life made the concept even stranger.
Rachel Riley had meanwhile mentioned Scott and Chris on Countdown. Asked which DJs she listened to, she described Innuendo Bingo and tried to explain that clips were played to see whether somebody laughed. Nick Hewer responded by calling himself clumsy and “something of a klutz”, leaving Scott pleased with the unexpected endorsement even if the explanation had wandered.
Charlie Sloth meets Fact Tuesday
Charlie Sloth joined Real or No Real. Tinchy Stryder was not shorter than Fozzie Bear, although the comparison led Charlie into a long defence of his friend’s height. Admiral Lord Nelson really had possessed a broad Norfolk accent, while eating too much tofu could not make somebody drunk.
The final claim produced a genuine football fact for Scott to deploy. A professional match really had finished 149–0 in Madagascar in 2002. The losing team deliberately scored 149 own goals while protesting against a refereeing decision from an earlier game. Scott and Charlie finished level on ten points, before the show looked ahead to its live broadcast from Radio 1’s Academy in Glasgow the following day.
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