The morning after the Brits
Scott and Chris reviewed a night of Rudimental, Ellie Goulding and Beyoncé. Beyoncé had reportedly left on a private jet while still wearing her performance dress with trainers, a combination that made practical sense only once the show was over.
Chris had shouted across the Tube to announce that Scott Mills was travelling to the Brit Awards. Scott uses public transport routinely, but the intervention made the journey look like a planned celebrity stunt. A normal trip acquired an audience because Chris could not allow it to remain normal.
Alex Turner’s acceptance speech about rock ’n’ roll and its cyclical nature left both presenters feeling as though they had missed a lesson. His Arctic Monkeys bandmates appeared equally uncertain about where to look while the microphone prepared for its final drop.
Rochelle takes The Saturdays quiz
Rochelle Humes submitted to the show’s unreliable personality quiz. She picked Vanessa as her favourite Saturday and Frankie as her least favourite, then answered questions involving the colour green, “Work”, makeovers and a smooth, cheesy man who sounded suspiciously like her husband Marvin.
The result announced that Rochelle was Frankie. Once again, a real member of a group had been reassigned to somebody else in it, and this time the quiz had selected the exact colleague she had placed last. Scott’s method had now transformed Tristan into Bradley, Josh into Max and Rochelle into the Saturday she least expected.
The Only Way Is Fish
A fish shop called The Only Way Is Fish attracted attention because it also sold pie and mash. Scott telephoned and found a proprietor entirely comfortable with the name and the expanded menu. The conversation produced the imaginary reality star Lauren Pollock and a collection of fish-based Essex possibilities.
The friend who used a dog photograph as a hair-colour reference also returned to the story. She placed dog-safe chocolate drops between her toes so that the dog would lick them, claiming this amounted to a foot massage. The audience was less willing to accept this beauty treatment than the hairdresser had been.
Greg’s entirely real Brit Awards
A tired Greg joined Real or No Real. Danny Howard really had arrived late and missed much of the ceremony. Myleene Klass really had attracted attention for a visible underwear line, Laura Mvula’s dress had genuinely been stepped on, and Greg had once telephoned Dev after the 2010 awards to boast that breakfast presenters had travelled directly from Claridge’s in a taxi.
The scoring became as disorganised as the people answering. After a night out, every implausible detail turned out to be real, which was perhaps the most accurate possible summary of the Brit Awards.
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