Gemma Cairney returns to Innuendo Bingo
Gemma Cairney arrived in a floral waterproof jacket, ready to reclaim her place in Innuendo Bingo after watching the show book an increasingly impressive line-up of guests. Chris had attempted his own fashion statement by wearing only the lower half of his bear onesie, while also admitting that he had forgotten to bring any dry clothes. Gemma had no such concern and committed to the game immediately.
Phil Spencer supplied two early clips about a slippery entrance and a house containing an unusual item. Antiques Roadshow featured an expert who had not seen or touched one as large for 28 years, while election-night analysis reported a gain in the prime minister’s own back yard. Radio presenter Paul Mason confessed that he had never been satisfied with Wagner’s ring, producing one of the strongest reactions of the game.
Gemma then appeared in one of her own clips, explaining that her boyfriend had eaten an enormous sausage in Budapest and developed meat sweats. Chinese cookery advised viewers to give some meat a good bash, Sara Cox declared that she had waited a long time to see somebody, and another Gemma broadcast became an emotional discussion about dealing with somebody losing. By the final clips, both players were laughing too much to keep the game under control.
The closing contribution came from BBC local radio’s report on a Dorset festival whose contests included knob throwing, pin the knob on the Cerne Abbas Giant and knob eating. Scott eventually abandoned the game amid the water and laughter, but declared Gemma’s chaotic return a success.
Songs are getting too short
Scott and Chris had noticed an apparent shortage of music. Enter Shikari’s “Paddington Frisk” lasted only one minute and 16 seconds, while Jake Bugg’s “Country Song” ran for one minute and 46 seconds. Chris decided the musicians must simply have become distracted before finishing their work and offered to supply the missing sections live.
With their friend Dave providing accompaniment, Chris first tried to extend Enter Shikari. Under pressure, he sang about getting “frisky in Paddington” before drifting into Tinie Tempah. A second attempt began with lyrics from the actual record but ended in his familiar Everything Everything impression. The additions made the track longer, although not necessarily more complete.
Jake Bugg’s song proved equally demanding. Chris improvised about cows, sheep and Scott spreading muck on a farm until his telephone interrupted the performance. Given another chance, he borrowed the country house from Blur, the country roads from John Denver and then filled the remaining time by naming Eurovision countries. Scott considered the resulting length acceptable, even if the experiment supported their theory that music really was running out.
Scott and Chris prepare for very different trips
Scott was leaving for Malmö to work at the Eurovision Song Contest and expected Sweden to contain an intimidating number of beautiful people. He had learned that he could cross the bridge into Copenhagen whenever he needed relief from the pressure, although his sweeping assumptions about both countries did little for international relations.
Chris was preparing for his £25-per-person holiday near Playa de las Américas. Two of the original four travellers had dropped out, but he still believed he had found an extraordinary bargain. Reviews were positive, a complimentary welcome pack was promised and the only concern in the photographs was a visible crane. Scott remained convinced that the complete absence of bad reviews was itself suspicious.
The accommodation had acknowledged construction work nearby, but Chris insisted it would not disturb him. He expected to sit beside the pool while Scott imagined drilling, bin collections and the cast of Take Me Out surrounding him. With both men away the following week, the truth about the bargain would have to wait until their return.
Mother’s Day panic and Scott’s big thing
Chris briefly panicked after seeing Mother’s Day among the worldwide trends on Twitter. Scott reminded him that the British occasion had already taken place and always fell on a Sunday, while Chris tried to remember whether he had done anything for it.
Scott’s musical recommendation for the week was Fuse ODG’s “Antenna”. He pictured it soundtracking a lively beach, only to learn that one listener had already heard it accompanying aqua aerobics on a Mediterranean cruise. That was not quite the pioneering Afrobeats image he had intended, although he remained confident the song would win people over.
Scott plays Real or No Real
With Greg James busy preparing his programme, Scott played Real or No Real against Chris. The original Star Trek doors really did use a surprisingly simple sound effect involving paper and an envelope, although their studio reconstruction was underwhelming. Fish had not been painted on Channel Tunnel train windows to confuse tourists, and Louis Smith had not damaged his eyesight by wearing fashionable glasses without prescription lenses.
The final claim connected two apparently separate parts of British popular culture. Matty Healy of The 1975 really was the son of Denise Welch, something Scott vaguely remembered her discussing over wine. Scott finished ahead before handing the studio back to the short songs that Chris believed still needed his help.
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