New rules for the library
Scott questioned whether libraries still demanded complete silence, prompting students to explain that modern university libraries often divided themselves into zones. Hannah from Marjon described a lively ground floor, a quieter middle floor and a top floor where anybody speaking risked an angry response.
Hannah had already been told off for singing on the middle floor and moved downstairs, where conversation was permitted. A Glasgow student reported a similar red, amber and green system. Scott concluded that a library now worked slightly like a club with different rooms, although Hannah was told to continue her work rather than test the rules by shouting about Innuendo Bingo.
A Bass Week three-way
Skream and Benga arrived for the first three-person Innuendo Bingo in the new Broadcasting House. Both already knew the feature, with Skream saying he had wanted to play for a long time. Benga simply announced that he enjoyed getting wet, placing him in the correct studio.
The opening clips offered a guide to identifying tits, a guest who became dripping wet at the sight of a soldier and a semi-detached house which kept on giving. Gok Wan explained that food had to go all over the face, top and hair to be properly enjoyed, while footage from Radio 1’s Hackney Weekend recalled women asking to see a performer’s cave.
The three-way arrangement created its own tactics. Benga tried to avoid sprays by moving closer to Chris, which instead left him directly in the line of fire, while Skream appeared more hesitant before embracing the game. A lottery contestant put a lot in, somebody displayed beautiful plums and an antiques programme revealed a “bloody hole”. Football and cricket commentary supplied Ashley Cole’s backside and “really anal balls”, before Sara Cox held back her lips and Cliff Richard said he would like to wake up inside Elvis Presley.
All three finished soaked. Skream and Benga promoted their Friday-night show and Bass Week awards, which celebrated the year’s leading tracks and artists. When Scott called it the Oscars of bass music, they acknowledged that almost every awards ceremony eventually described itself as the Oscars of something.
Chris becomes somebody’s Plan B
Scott had invited listeners to use Chris as an emergency replacement for anything from a wedding or prom to a sports team missing a player. The first request came from a group of university friends whose regular FIFA tournament was one man short.
Chris had cancelled his plans and travelled to their house that evening, although the result was being held for the breakfast show. He described the visit as unusual, surreal and unexpectedly sweet, while confirming that the group appeared pleased with their substitute. Scott continued seeking occasions on which somebody could “break glass” and deploy Chris as a replacement friend.
Dear Scott
One listener proposed that Chris should challenge the world record for smashing eggs with his head. After the failed chicken-nugget record and his Edinburgh performance, Chris considered it a possible chance for redemption and admitted that he had always wanted a world record.
Another listener blamed ridiculous behaviour on the need to earn “lad points”, causing his girlfriend to dislike the show. Scott suggested renaming them Scott Mills points in the hope of making the idea sound less objectionable. A story about explicit fan fiction reminded Scott of Chris’s imaginary nude portraits, which remained online despite Scott’s wish to forget them.
A student had listened to Gerard Butler’s Innuendo Bingo in a packed library and sprayed hot coffee over two strangers when she heard a woman say she had nibbled his brioche. Another listener had spotted a driver laughing uncontrollably at the podcast, mouthed “Bingo?” through the window and received a confirming “yes” before both cars moved away.
Real or No Real with Greg James
Nicki Minaj really had ordered £3,000 of chicken after a Manchester show, enough to fill a car. Scott recalled her previous requests for a lawnmower backstage and a completely pink dressing room, making the extravagant takeaway seem believable.
Louis Walsh had not lent Jessie J a static-proof comb as a peace offering between rival talent shows. The members of McFly really did live in separate houses within the same gated development, which the band called McFly Village. Scott imagined its neighbourhood watch and bin collection while Greg struggled to accept that four bandmates would choose to remain so close after a decade together.
Sir Terry Wogan had not played an older Danny O’Donoghue in a video for The Script, however perfect the casting sounded. Greg won with 30 points to Scott’s ten, then left Scott and Chris to prepare for Nanny Pat’s breakfast-show DJ set.
—
COMMENTS