Rita Ora’s stuffed-ferret confession
Scott had asked Rita Ora to invent a strange hobby while being interviewed by Twin B for an Access All Areas documentary. His suggestion was taxidermy, complete with a large collection of stuffed animals in her living room. When the documentary was broadcast, Rita delivered exactly what had been requested.
Asked whether she felt pressure to look good whenever cameras might appear, Rita abruptly said she felt more pressure about her obsession with stuffed animals. Twin B accepted the answer and continued asking questions, learning that she supposedly did the stuffing herself with things collected over the years. Her favourite animals were ferrets because they were easy to move around, followed by magpies because they were small.
Scott admired Rita for maintaining a straight face, even if the transition into the invented hobby had not been entirely seamless. Twin B’s calm acceptance made the exchange even better, particularly his simple response of “Okay” as the story became increasingly peculiar.
Loving the Trolls
Lawrence’s computerised voice returned to remove the sting from another collection of online criticism. Scott was told to stop “messing up” other people’s songs and described as a pathetic child, before Lawrence appeared to turn “Sack Mills” into the less decisive question “Check Mills?”. Scott wanted to use it as a new Radio 1 jingle.
Chris was called a doughnut and a plonker, while another critic argued that he would have kissed Kesha better if he had been taller. A comparison with a young Alan Partridge sounded more like a compliment, and somebody wishing Chris were their “slightly sleazy uncle” left the pair unsure whether any trolling had occurred at all. Rita Ora also received an avant-garde fashion review advising her to have her roots done.
Weddings at the Tap End
Chris devoted 24 Years at the Tap End to weddings and stag dos. His earliest wedding memories involved sliding around the floor to the Ghostbusters theme. At his cousin Katie’s ceremony, he earned £20 by playing the few guitar songs he knew as guests arrived: Oasis’s “Wonderwall”, Travis’s “Flowers in the Window” and, less appropriately, Eminem’s “Stan”.
At Headmistress Laura’s wedding, several Radio 1 presenters took turns DJing. Danny Howard handled the final set after spending the day as a kind of bridesmaid, but eventually turned to Chris and declared “game over”. Chris took control of the decks, organised the traditional circle for the last song and remembered the one that doesn’t speak dancing enthusiastically to “Bat Out of Hell”.
Chris later agreed to DJ his friend Lucy’s wedding, only to discover that a communication failure had left him with lights but no decks. While somebody drove away to collect the equipment, fireworks began across the lake. Chris claimed them for the wedding, connected his phone to the speakers and played Katy Perry’s “Firework”, making the entire display appear deliberately synchronised.
Once the decks arrived, the reception eventually reached the Baywatch theme and several guests removed their clothes. Chris insisted that nudity was a normal end to a wedding party, something Scott strongly disputed. Listeners supplied examples from their own receptions, although one anonymous married caller stressed that trousers had remained securely in place at all three weddings he had attended.
Chris’s first stag do took him from a lakeside pub in Basildon to a driving range, an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, an eighties club in Chelmsford and finally Liquid in Basildon. The groom wore a tiger onesie, much of the group fell out, and Chris lost his room key. Having paid for the hotel, he reasoned that its lift was the next best available room and slept there on his jacket until a cleaner woke him.
Dan and Phil play Real or No Real
Dan and Phil returned while preparing to create a video for Labrinth and Emeli Sandé’s “Beneath Your Beautiful” as part of Radio 1’s weekend-DJ music-video competition. They would compete against pairings including Huw Stephens and Gemma Cairney, with listeners deciding which production was best.
In Real or No Real, they learned that a German wedding tradition really did involve the bride’s family kidnapping her after the ceremony and the groom having to find her. Nobody had called 999 because they feared an apple pip would grow into a tree inside their head, while Ryan Gosling really had turned down an opportunity to join the Backstreet Boys.
The game also declared Japan’s anti-obesity law real, although the claim that the first webpage showed Demi Lovato eating an ice cream beside the words to “A Whole New World” was an invention. Scott won with 40 points, leaving Dan and Phil to process the possibility of Ryan Gosling having followed an entirely different career.
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