Scott talks over Dermot at the NTAs
Scott returned from the National Television Awards after spending the commercial breaks speaking to the audience at the O2. He had worked from a glamorous backstage room containing the venue’s noisy generators and used a close-talking lip microphone so that only his voice would be heard. His instructions included asking people to remain in their seats and avoid visiting the toilet unless it was absolutely necessary.
The arena could hear him. Sheridan Smith thanked him afterwards for mentioning her nomination for Mrs Biggs, and Scott gave Nick Grimshaw a shout-out after receiving requests by text. He also spoke for too long during the first break and could still be heard as Dermot O’Leary resumed the live programme. It was not the planned prank Chris had encouraged, but Scott had accidentally placed himself on ITV anyway.
Gemma Cairney’s Super Soak
Gemma Cairney joined Chris for an exceptionally wet Innuendo Bingo, watched through the new close-up cameras. Scott again required the players to stare at one another, making Gemma uncomfortable before the clips had even begun. Ben Fogle described the pleasure of appearing on Loose Women, The Great British Bake Off promised to whip something out at the two-minute warning and Lisa Tarbuck returned with the observation that sometimes an old-fashioned rod was required.
Radio discussion of a flawed system involved people running around with their fingers in a dyke. A food inspector considered what somebody did to a figure, Sara Cox told Grimmy that all he did was touch it, and a family anticipated its annual one-clam bash. A Radio 1 microphone caught an unexplained request for Gary to pound it thick and fast, while Come Dine with Me and Chris Evans’s accountant caused further sprays.
Gemma and Chris were already drenched when Scott pretended to have reached the end. He added several more clips, including Dan Snow describing the railways opening new frontiers at home and abroad before facing their deadliest challenge. Gemma was able to wring water from her shirt, while Chris’s hair and face had taken repeated close-range hits. The “Super Soak” description proved unusually accurate even by the feature’s standards.
Dear Scott from an MRI scanner
A listener wrote to Dear Scott about undergoing an MRI scan. The radiographer had supplied headphones and switched from Radio 2 to Radio 1 on the basis that it was the trendy station. Unfortunately, the scan began at 1.45pm on a Thursday, precisely when Innuendo Bingo started.
The listener had to remain motionless inside the scanner while trying not to laugh at the clips. The email ended with the much better news that no tumour had been found. Radiographers listening elsewhere explained that they regularly played Radio 1 while working but would not have trusted themselves to stay still through the feature either.
Chris introduces his friend Fernando
For Show and Tell, Chris brought in a friend called Fernando. The newcomer sounded suspiciously like Chris using a different voice, and the pair’s attempts to alternate only made the separation less convincing. Both insisted that Fernando was real and that he had known Chris for years, although he had somehow never featured in 24 Years at the Tap End.
Fernando kept a detailed log on his phone of everything his girlfriend did wrong. Each note included the date and exact time so that he could produce evidence during future arguments. Examples recorded her sending prank emails from his account, laughing at a large spot on his forehead, arriving half an hour late for a restaurant and criticising a new jumper.
Scott thought presenting a timestamped list during an argument was obviously strange. Fernando regarded it as a sensible response to the way partners remembered previous mistakes, while Chris repeatedly stressed that he did not personally use the system. That denial became less persuasive each time the supposedly separate men spoke. Listeners were invited to decide whether maintaining a relationship log was sensible preparation or a guaranteed way to make every disagreement much worse.
The £25 holiday reaches midnight
Chris was still waiting for his Tenerife voucher promotion to expire at midnight, after which he could finally contact the apartment and confirm the booking. The other three travellers had heard Scott’s warnings on air and were beginning to reconsider. A trainee travel agent had also emailed to call the deal a scam, but Chris remained determined to proceed.
One listener, recently made redundant with a £25 payment, offered to take a place on the Isle of Fernando’s. The joke captured the deal’s appeal and its danger: an entire week cost the same as a very small payout, but nobody could yet explain how the apartment made financial sense. By the next show the voucher would either become a remarkable holiday or a more expensive addition to the Tap End.
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