Alright treac’? You’ve got me reviewing the show for you today, so without further ado, let’s get cracking.
The show was started off today with the news that Chopper’s been asked to be Father Christmas at his son’s school’s Christmas Fair. I’m sorry, but would he not be the grumpiest Poppa Crimbo you ever did see? No chance I’m sitting on his lap. Did you loose a wallet in a cab in London last night? Because Scott found one in his cab home from the “team meeting”, which was held in a pub. And instead of giving it in straight away, he paid for his cab fare using the money in it. In his defence, he “lost his wallet”, and the cab driver went psycho at him for it.
When Will Laura Hurl?
So, it’s time for a new game on the show tonight. As you know, there was a team meeting at a pub last night, and Laura’s feeling a little bit dodgy today. Supposedly the two aren’t linked, but we’re not stupid. And before you ask, she isn’t pregnant, “just fat.”* Anyway, may I proudly present “When Will Laura Hurl?”. And who says our license fee is being wasted? By 16.35 Laura was laid on the floor with a bucket nearby so she could throw up when she pleases, but she did suprisingly well. In fact, by the end of the show she was feeling a lot better.
The listener, the girl and the melon…
Fancy hearing a story about a listener, a girl and a melon? Let’s face it, who isn’t a little bit intruiged at this point? Rob from York has got in contact with Scott with his story. He’s been seeing a girl for three weeks, and it’s all been going fine up until last night. They were having a cosy night in at hers when she asks if he’d like some melon. He says yes and follows her to the kitchen. So with melon, you just slice it yeah? (Unless you’re Chappers.) Not according to this girl (although what follows is hardly ladylike), she crushed it between her thighs! I’m wincing just thinking about it. Anyway, he is naturally quite concerned as he’s worried she’ll do the same to him when he’s err.. between her thighs. If you like.
Scott decided to see if all guys can do this, or if this bird’s just a bit butch. So he got a honeydew melon from the shop and gets Laura to attempt to crush it between her thighs, unfortunately she fails, and “it feels like laying an egg”. In the process, however, some people are getting turned on by the strangely erotic noises she made whilst attempting to crush the melon. (Crush the melon? That sounds like a euphemism of some sort…)
So another Laura from Winchester phoned up to say that Melon Girl (as I have affectionately called her) was probably a horse rider, as they have really strong thighs. She then went to Tescos and got two melons, a honeydew and a cantaloupe, and demonstrated this. She did it straight away with the honeyew, but the Cantaloupe just wouldn’t work. The best part of this feature was, in my opinion, some girl phoning up from Darlington. Literally the only words anyone (Scott and Chopper included) could understand were “melon”, “thunder thighs” and “hahahaha”. Scott and Chapper’s handling of the situation deserves a Loaded Lafta award all by itself. (www.loaded.co.uk, whilst I’m at it.)
Look, no Hans!
You know UKTVG2 yeah? It’s been rebranded. Now, imagine you had to rename a well known digital channel, what would you call it? Dave? No, I didn’t think so. But that’s exactly what’s been done. Because everyone knows a Dave, don’t they? (I actually don’t.) So, as of October, let us welcome Dave, the home of witty banter.
On the subject of Dave, it’s only fair that Scott plays Dave or No Dave, which today was very successful, Dave answered on the first call, and on the second call Scott was offered the choice between two Daves. So, the stakes were upped, and Scott’s going international on yo’ ass! It’s time for Pierre or no Pierre. Unfortunately, Pierre was absent today, so that’s one to Chopper. Then it was Bruce or No Bruce (off of Australia, mate), where only someone with the second name Bruce was around, so another point to Chappers. Now, it’s when we turned to our Bavarian friends in Germany that this game got a bit sick. When Scott asked for Hans in some very questionable German, he was told that “Hans dead four years now”. Oops. Hans game guilt, anyone?
I’ve got to say I thoroughly enjoyed today’s show, listen and log on tomorrow for the Wonder Years and Floor Fillers!
*Views expressed by Laura are not necessarily those of me or Unofficial Mills. I.e., Laura, you’re not fat!
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