Injections and monkey-theft insurance
Chris faced two appointments: a visit to Ryan Gosling’s new waxwork and the travel injections for his Bali holiday. A colleague had warned that the injections caused a dead arm for two days, although this was somebody who had once bruised himself in a power shower and broken ribs during a hug.
Listeners had found travel insurance advertised with a monkey stealing a camera. Chris remained unsure whether the small print genuinely covered monkey theft. Other advice suggested attaching valuables to lanyards, but he had no intention of fighting an animal for his property. If a monkey took something, it could keep it.
An unbiased report on Ryan Gosling
Chris had long objected to Ryan Gosling’s reputation as the man everybody fancied. He called Gosling a poor team player who made life harder for ordinary men, a position he was already extending to Jamie Dornan before Fifty Shades of Grey reached cinemas.
Because the real actor was unlikely to accept an invitation after years of criticism, Scott sent Chris to Madame Tussauds. The newly unveiled waxwork offered the closest available opportunity to inspect Gosling in person and ask international visitors what they saw.
German, Australian and Italian tourists recognised the face with varying speed. Some had travelled specifically to see it; others knew the actor only after hearing The Notebook and Drive. Women said they would date him even if he were boring or had a silly voice. One called him beautiful and “life”, refusing every attempt to identify a defect.
Chris insisted that people were judging only appearance and that the waxwork should have a voice box. Scott pointed out that remaining desirable while silent was evidence of Gosling’s advantage, not a flaw in the exhibit.
Tourists photograph a second waxwork
Chris then stood rigidly beside Ryan with one arm raised and pretended to be another figure. After the first visitors moved on, new groups entered with no idea who he was and began taking photographs.
He held the pose until his arm ached. One person used a huge tablet, a woman pinched his nose and another visitor appeared to smell him. At moments Chris attracted a larger crowd than Gosling, allowing him to claim a victory in a competition the actor had never agreed to enter.
The video did not prove that Chris was more attractive. It proved that tourists inside Madame Tussauds would photograph almost anybody who stood unnaturally still beside a celebrity.
Edinburgh still needs a ten-minute act
Scott and Chris returned to their 11 August appearance on Phil Taggart and Alice Levine’s Edinburgh Festival show. They had ten late-night minutes and permission to push the material towards the edge, but no settled idea.
Stand-up felt risky, while another enormous Innuendo Bingo was possible but hardly new. They asked listeners for help and again recommended the festival itself: tiny pub rooms, famous comics, unknown performers and very strange theatre made the city feel like a holiday even when an individual show was terrible.
Rosie makes John jealous through the Speech Jammer
Rosie had won the Radio 1 trip to Ibiza, leaving her boyfriend John at home despite both entering the competition. Scott invited her into the studio and used the Speech Jammer, a slight delay fed into her headphones that disrupted her ability to speak normally.
With loud music and party effects behind her, Rosie phoned John and claimed the Ibiza celebrations had already started. Beyoncé had hugged her, Pixie Lott was nearby, every DJ was doing shots and a champagne bar had appeared in the studio. Her slowed, slurred voice made John suspect that she was already drunk.
He asked why she sounded strange and whether he could join them. Rosie refused and continued describing a party involving Radio 1 presenters, celebrities and, thanks to a sound effect, a cow. Scott eventually revealed that she was sober and sitting in an ordinary studio.
John said he had assumed Rosie was simply talking like an idiot because she sometimes did that. He had been jealous enough to believe part of the story, but not enough to treat the voice as evidence of a genuine champagne emergency.
Alice Levine remembers McLovin’s mother
Alice Levine played Real or No Real. Coldplay’s Chris Martin and Jonny Buckland really did appear in Shaun of the Dead, credited as supporters of the fictional zombie charity ZombAid. During Superbad, the 17-year-old Christopher Mintz-Plasse really was required to have his mother on set, including for his intimate scenes as McLovin.
Ella Eyre had not needed a hairdresser to remove headphones tangled in her curls. 50 Cent really had made a fortune from his investment in Vitaminwater, demonstrating that a coloured drink could be a more powerful business than several hit records.
Scott and Alice drew 20–20. The show announced that Rizzle Kicks members Jordan Stephens and Harley Alexander-Sulé would play Innuendo Bingo the following day, but July’s available run ended with Chris’s waxwork experiment and Rosie preparing for Ibiza.
COMMENTS