Back from the Student Radio Conference
Scott and Chris returned from Newcastle after seven hours of train travel and felt they had already said everything they could possibly say to one another. Scott had slept, kicked out and relied on a station announcement specifically telling “Mr Mills” to wake up for Newcastle. Chris’s supposedly portable DVD player still looked enough like a grill for Scott to wonder whether he had secretly cooked sausages.
Their boredom produced an attempt to name the cast of Made in Chelsea and a business plan for upmarket socks labelled with the days of the week in French. The discovery that Rob Kardashian already sold socks ended that idea, while a pivot into sock suspenders produced images too disturbing to pursue.
“I’m not sure I’m going to cut the cheese”
Listener Fran played Real or No Real before a day at sixth form. An island populated by cats in Japan was real, Michael Owen had not called a football pitch an oblong during commentary, and the old voice of Siri did not belong to the announcer from The Weakest Link.
The Siri claim prompted Scott to offer a demonstration through the Sack of Shame speaker. Asked to provide a line, Fran meant to say she might not “cut the mustard” but announced that she was not sure she would “cut the cheese”. The synthetic voice immediately repeated “My name is Fran and I cut the cheese”, and the show replayed it despite her later text begging them to stop ruining her reputation at college. Scott won 30–10, but Fran’s accidental phrase made the score irrelevant.
Hayley returns to The Call Centre
Hayley Pearce called before the second series of The Call Centre. She had learned to trust the production after worrying about how the first series would portray her, although she still had no idea which of the constantly filmed moments would appear. Her tea urns had been “pimped out”, her trolley carried a few unspecified extras and recognition in public was likely to start again as soon as the new episodes aired.
She rejected the idea that she had fans, then agreed to call anybody who liked her a “legend”. Nev Wilshire was still motivational, there were new starters and several office romances, but the programme had moved away from arranging speed dates. Asked whether she got on with Nev’s son, Hayley briefly heard a much more personal question and created the possibility of a call-centre wedding before correcting the misunderstanding. Her final advice was not to mix “romance with pleasure”, which sounded useful even if it was not quite the phrase she intended.
More sleep recordings
Chris had finally remembered to run the sleep-recording app, but two nights produced only a small burst of wind. The listeners supplied better material. One woman repeatedly asked what was in the bed, somebody challenged an unexplained onion, and a sleeping man appeared to auction “one missing Taranga Lea adult waistcoat”.
The continuing favourite remained the exhausted instruction to “Go to the window, Gary”. Its tired delivery suggested an argument repeated across many nights, with a bodily noise serving as Gary’s only reply.
From Hackney to The Voice
Jermaine Jackman arrived days after winning The Voice. Radio 1’s notes had again called him Jermaine Jackson, an error he accepted with good humour. He had first met will.i.am backstage at Radio 1’s Hackney Weekend in 2012 while singing backing vocals for Leona Lewis. Jermaine told him that he wanted to sing, will.i.am suggested auditioning, and two years later he became the only member of will.i.am’s team in the final and won the competition.
Jermaine still intended to combine music and politics. His plan was to spend most of his life recording, then try to become prime minister at 50. He admired how will.i.am moved between music and work supporting young people and considered him a mentor for life rather than merely a television coach.
His beauty advice almost caused a domestic accident when Scott thought the recommended olive oil was the kitchen variety rather than a cosmetic product. Jermaine then demonstrated the very bottom of his vocal range. The show asked listeners to turn their bass up and report the effects of the continuous note: cars felt strange, a soul vibrated and somebody claimed a bath had become a jacuzzi. Scott named it the “Jermaine noise” and demanded a second performance before allowing The Voice winner to leave the building intact.
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