The day Agas became the player
Scott and Chris had been using Jonathan Agnew’s Test Match Special commentary in Innuendo Bingo for years. On Tuesday, the man behind so many accidental double meanings finally came into the studio to play.
Chris treated the booking like the arrival of royalty. He watched “Agas” waiting in the Live Lounge on a monitor, discussed whether he should bow and marvelled that a broadcaster he admired had actually agreed to be sprayed with water. Jonathan arrived carrying spare clothes and immediately compared the plastic-covered studio to a slaughterhouse.
He wanted clarification on the rules. He thought players were meant to aim for the bin, whereas the modern form of the game clearly involved considerably more projectile water. Jonathan decided he could cope: after facing West Indies pace bowling in the 1980s, a mouthful of water from Chris Stark was manageable.
Test Match Special turns on its own commentator
The clips were almost unfairly well suited to the guest. Scott replayed Jonathan talking about balls feeling different, then moved through MasterChef, taxidermy, Dickens and athletics before returning to Test Match Special for a long sequence about putting a new rubber on a bat.
Jonathan did not hold back. His pink shirt gradually darkened with water while Chris kept apologising for soaking a broadcasting hero. The best part was Agnew’s willingness to laugh at his own commentary; lines that had been completely innocent in a cricket context became impossible once isolated inside Bingo.
Scott eventually declared the game a triumph rather than worrying about a winner. Jonathan was less enthusiastic about the invitation to return for another round, but he had already given the feature one of its most memorable editions.
Dads who have had enough of One Direction
The impending One Direction film prompted listeners to send photographs of fathers enduring concerts with earplugs, books and expressions of absolute resignation. Scott became fascinated by the parallel fandom: thousands of daughters inside the venue and an unofficial club of dads who simply wanted the evening to end.
Listener Anne described a father so tired of hearing about the band that he would leave the room whenever she and her sister discussed them. Scott called him at work pretending to be from a parcel company and repeatedly placed him on hold with bad One Direction covers.
He lasted longer than expected before hanging up. Scott then called back, admitted the prank and put Anne on the line. Her dad accepted it cheerfully enough, but made clear he would not be joining the girls for the One Direction film.
Charlie Sloth turns 21, again
Charlie Sloth joined Real or No Real on what Scott treated as his 21st birthday, continuing the show’s long-running refusal to believe Charlie’s actual age. Facts included herrings communicating by farting, an immigration story about an overweight chef and the inevitable opportunity for Scott and Charlie to revive their “fatist” argument.
Charlie beat Chris in the round and left for his own 1Xtra show, while Scott prepared for a more alarming event that evening: the premiere of One Direction’s This Is Us, a film in which he already knew he briefly appeared.
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