Lorraine Kelly plays Innuendo Bingo
Scott introduced Lorraine Kelly as “Stoke-on-Trent”, the national-treasure guest Chris could scarcely believe he was about to spit water over. Lorraine and Chris already knew one another from a desert trek two years earlier. They had seen each other’s ruined feet, slept close together on the return flight and once shared a drink, although Chris still owed her the properly drunken night out he had promised.
Lorraine’s daughter Rosie listened to Innuendo Bingo, so she knew exactly what awaited her. She began politely, then accepted that restraint would only leave Chris dry. Richard Arnold discussed covering Sue Jameson’s lettuce with fleece, Robbie Williams thanked two “fantabulous dollies” and Barbara Windsor invited Danny Howard to visit in his pyjamas.
The Badminton Horse Trials described a horse coming back for more, MasterChef served steamed water egg, crab meat, cockles and morning glory, and Steve Davis returned to balls dipped in a chemical solution. Gardener’s Question Time brought the phrase Lorraine had already heard strangers shout at Scott: “Do you mollycoddle your tulips at Swithins Bank?”
By then her make-up, trousers and underwear were soaked. Richard Allinson asked listeners for silly games in honour of a “knob-throwing festival”, and somebody nominated “hide the sausage”. Dale Winton accepted beef, then head, while Antiques Roadshow struggled to remove tight rubber from binoculars. Rick Stein’s description of a Mallorcan lard cake resembling Ben Nevis finished the game.
Lorraine rang water from her clothes but insisted she had enjoyed herself. Scott called it one of his favourite editions and remained determined to arrange a proper night out, provided he did not become responsible for her failing to appear on breakfast television the following morning.
The words Scott cannot say
Radio 1 offered Big Weekend tickets whenever its daytime presenters accidentally said either “big” or “weekend”. Scott could describe the event only as the huge festival thing in Derry-Londonderry. Chris, who remained free to use both words, searched for ways to trick him.
He played a rapid sequence of songs linked to large objects and weekends, but the trap initially failed. Scott then asked about a Mika song, heard its title and repeated “weekend” before realising what had happened. The alarm sounded, lines opened and a clue led a listener to identify Calvin Harris. Later, Scott said “big” during a discussion of his tendency to spill food, and a second caller won after recognising Conor Maynard.
The competition turned ordinary conversation into a hazard. Scott became suspicious of every question about his Eurovision plans, the size of Sweden and his forthcoming Saturday. Even explaining the rules risked saying the prohibited words again.
Scott discovers how-to videos
Scott’s gas-barbecue ignition had stopped working. Instead of abandoning dinner, he searched for an instructional video and found an American explaining the side hole where a match could light the grill. The simple film rescued the evening and introduced him to an enormous world of guides he had somehow missed.
There were demonstrations for making sandwiches and kissing passionately, including the advice to tilt one’s head and continue if teeth accidentally collided. Chris realised the internet could support Scott’s recent attempts to become more practical, from painting a wall to cooking something beyond chicken in a bag.
Charlie Sloth plays Real or No Real
Charlie Sloth confirmed an earlier fact about Alan Dedicoat holding meetings in an American diner. Charlie and his production team visited the same restaurant so frequently that he had worked through the entire menu four times and asked the manager to add new dishes.
The velociraptor noises in Jurassic Park really did originate from mating tortoises, a revelation followed by impressions of the alarming noises foxes made outside Charlie’s home. Ants really did nod at one another when passing, and Nauru really was identified as the world’s most overweight nation, with 97% of men and 93% of women overweight or obese in the cited figures.
A site called Guilt Free Bacon did not pair vegetarians craving a sandwich with meat eaters willing to surrender one meal. Scott won 20–10 before attempting to introduce Charlie to Frightened Rabbit and Everything Everything, bands whose names fascinated him even though their records had not yet reached his 1Xtra programme.
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