Chris needs dressing for Henley Regatta
Chris was going to Henley Regatta as part of the continuing birthday celebrations which had already caused the “Fernando” disaster. The event itself sounded pleasant enough, but the expected clothes were causing him genuine stress. Listeners mentioned chinos, boat shoes, blazers and hats, leaving Chris stuck on one basic question: why did he need boat shoes when he was not going on a boat?
Scott was delighted to take control. He planned to take Chris shopping immediately after the show and was already considering coloured blazers and deck shoes. Chris imposed his own rules: ideally one shop, no extended browsing and, if possible, no trying things on. Even changing rooms made him hot and stressed.
Matt Edmondson later offered a practical tip. If Chris was going to wear deck shoes without visible socks, he could buy the tiny “invisible” socks which sat below the shoe line. Chris regarded them as suspiciously similar to ballet shoes, but Matt warned that a full day standing around without socks could otherwise end with blisters. It was useful advice hidden inside a fashion conversation Chris would rather not have been having at all.
Fish Pie Sue calls the mysterious Jumperoo
Friday’s Fish Pie Sue mystery came from Saffron, who had somebody saved in her phone as “Jumperoo” and no memory of who the number belonged to. The name immediately suggested a children’s bouncing activity centre, despite Saffron being 18 and having no children.
When she called, the man at the other end assumed she must previously have contacted him because he had advertised a Jumperoo for sale. Saffron remained adamant that she had never tried to buy one. A second attempt to call him back, during which she was instructed to sound desperately disappointed that he no longer had it, did nothing to solve how the number had entered her contacts.
The answer finally arrived from Saffron’s dad. She had synced her phone through iTunes and accidentally imported some of her stepmother’s contacts. Her stepmother had been involved in buying the Jumperoo. After multiple calls, theories about drunken online shopping and an entirely innocent seller wondering why an 18-year-old stranger wanted his old baby equipment, the mystery had a remarkably mundane explanation.
Listeners try the spoon-and-onion experiment
The previous day’s Real or No Real conversation had produced a claim that holding a spoon in the mouth while chopping onions stopped the eyes watering. Scott was amazed to discover listeners had actually gone home and tried it.
Pictures arrived of people chopping onions with spoons in their mouths, although there was some disagreement about which way round the spoon should go. One particularly committed listener had combined the spoon method with running a hand under a tap while trying to chop with the other hand. Scott liked the evidence that if the show suggested a sufficiently silly household experiment, a fair number of people would apparently attempt it before the next programme.
Scott falls in love with his electric car and Chris hides biscuits in his moobs
The magazine headline game returned. Scott and Chris each called a real-life story magazine without knowing the headline the other had prepared. As soon as somebody answered, the headline was handed over and the caller had to improvise a convincing personal story for as long as possible.
Scott was given “I’m in love with my electric car”. He quickly named the car Michelle and described taking her to the beach, enjoying her quiet personality and plugging her in at the end of the day. The magazine representative asked whether he had photographs of himself with the car and appeared willing to consider the story, even as Scott pushed the idea into increasingly ridiculous territory by asking whether Michelle should have her lights on for the pictures.
Chris then received “I hide biscuits inside my moobs”. He claimed he regularly used the space between his chest and body to store snacks, sometimes eating them directly from there. Again, the person on the phone calmly requested photographs. Chris even asked which biscuit would sell the story best and settled on a Hobnob. Scott won on imagination, but Chris kept his call going for one minute 52 seconds, slightly longer than Scott’s.
Matt Edmondson plays Real or No Real
Matt stayed for Real or No Real. The Kent town of Sandwich really is only a few miles from the village of Ham, providing a geographical joke almost too neat to be true. The original Doctor Who TARDIS sound had not been created from a SodaStream, despite the appliance producing a surprisingly convincing imitation when Scott played it.
Chantelle Houghton really had been hoisted high above an Essex shopping centre dressed as a fairy princess for a Christmas-tree event. The final claim, that Matt himself had been photographed outside Marks & Spencer checking his body odour by directly sniffing his armpit, was false. Matt explained that if he ever needed to check, he had a rather more discreet two-finger technique.
The annual men’s semis joke arrives
All week Scott and Chris had been trailing their annual Wimbledon joke, treating it as though listeners should remember where they were the first time they heard it. “Brian Belo” had already supplied tennis grunts, animal rallies and endless sound clips, but men’s semi-finals day meant the old routine could finally return.
BBC Sport’s Mark Chapman joined them to discuss Andy Murray’s semi-final while Scott and Chris carefully loaded every question with predictable double meanings. Could Murray sustain a semi of that length? Would it reach a big climax or would he polish it off quickly? Chapman played his part perfectly, replying with straight-faced tennis analysis while allowing the wording to do all the work.
After a week in which almost every Wimbledon discussion had been dragged into nonsense, it was the inevitable finale. Scott and Chris could now claim another successful staging of their annual men’s semis joke, with Murray’s actual tennis left to the sports coverage.
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