Radio 1 joins the royal-baby waiting game
The Duchess of Cambridge had gone into labour and Scott decided there was only one responsible response: near-constant royal-baby coverage, despite there being almost nothing to report. He had become fascinated by the rolling news channels and particularly enjoyed BBC News presenter Simon McCoy calmly acknowledging from outside St Mary’s Hospital that the one thing he could not provide was any news of the birth.
Scott treated every non-development as breaking news. He monitored the Lindo Wing, the expected journey of the official announcement to Buckingham Palace and the promised easel on which the news would eventually appear. A live cross asking whether the easel had arrived produced the beautifully concise answer “No”, which instantly joined McCoy’s lack-of-news report among the show’s favourite clips.
Chris thought Scott was taking the whole thing too seriously, but Scott was determined that if the baby arrived while they were on air his announcement should be suitable for future BBC archive montages. He experimented with a more formal voice and even considered a fanfare. By the end of the programme there was still no birth announcement, making the show’s relentless coverage of nothing the joke in itself.
Harry Styles becomes Diana Vickers again
The team also looked back at Friday’s enormous first play of One Direction’s “Best Song Ever” and Harry Styles’ phone call. The automated transcript repeatedly turns Harry into Diana Vickers, but the conversation is clearly the continuation of the One Direction story from 19 July.
Scott and Chris were still amused by the scale of the global release and by Harry calling from his hotel bed while fans around the world waited for the record. It provided a useful contrast with Monday’s other international media event: on Friday everybody had been waiting for a song, now the entire press pack was waiting for a baby.
Scott brings hair mayonnaise back from Wigworld
Scott had taken his mum to a shop he called Wigworld and returned with a new product for Chris to try: hair mayonnaise. Chris initially struggled with the concept and repeatedly treated it as though Scott had simply bought ordinary mayonnaise and put it in his hair.
Scott insisted it was a genuine hair treatment and said his own hair felt unusually soft after using it. The conversation fitted the show’s long-running attempt to introduce Chris to grooming products, following moisturiser, tanning wipes and the scented candle that had confused his dad. Scott promised to bring a pot in so they could try it together.
The pair also criticised each other’s recent Twitter output. Scott’s updates about bedtime, the lottery and Wigworld were judged dull, while Scott argued that Chris described almost every day and night out as “quality”. Neither emerged with much authority to advise the other.
The Posh Radio 4 Lady tries listener accents
The Posh Radio 4 Lady returned after listeners requested more accents. A message from New Zealand prompted an attempt at Welsh, while an Australian listener complained that hearing about Britain’s heatwave was particularly irritating during the Australian winter.
The Australian message also revived Chris’s long-running deliberate confusion between former prime minister Julia Gillard and wildlife presenter Chris Packham. The listener suggested that the newly freed-up politician should come to London and play Innuendo Bingo, which allowed the programme to continue the fiction that “Chris Packham” had left Australian politics and might now have time for Radio 1.
Scott rapidly concluded that getting the PR4L to perform regional accents had been a mistake. Her normal extremely polished delivery remained the point of the feature.
Dan and Phil play Real or No Real
Dan and Phil joined the programme for Real or No Real, while the impending royal birth continued to hover over everything. Scott was still checking for updates and hoping to be the person who could finally announce the news.
The feature closed a programme in which the biggest story had deliberately failed to happen. The baby was born later that day, leaving Tuesday’s show with rather more actual royal news to discuss.
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