Waiting for Gerard Butler Time
Gerard Butler’s arrival was delayed, but Scott decided the normal schedule no longer mattered. The programme had moved onto “Gerard Butler Time”, on which it remained 1.45pm whenever the actor said it was. Chris was unusually nervous about Innuendo Bingo. He regarded Gerard as a genuine Hollywood hero and was not sure whether he should dare spray water back at him.
Gerard arrived praising Radio 1’s new building and immediately exchanged an enthusiastic hug with Scott. Reports that he had gone away to become a monk were exaggerated. During a holiday in Thailand he had visited a temple, meditated and taken part in a “monk chat”, but he had not acquired a licence to become an actual monk.
Saving the White House
Gerard promoted Olympus Has Fallen, in which he played Secret Service agent Mike Banning and fought through a terrorist-controlled White House. His aunt had apparently fainted at a screening, although she later claimed she had merely fallen asleep while wearing a thick jumper. His mother had left the Los Angeles premiere ready to punch the air and celebrate his rescue of America, while asking why he could not save Scotland next.
The White House exterior had been built in Louisiana and completed with studio sets and digital effects before being destroyed piece by piece. Gerard had trained with Navy SEALs, Secret Service agents, special-forces personnel and stunt performers. He described the constant risk of injury in action films, recalling broken bones during the production and more serious accidents on 300.
As both star and producer, he had combined dialect work, fight training, script changes and disagreements with other producers while sleeping only four or five hours a night. Scott was particularly impressed that Gerard had Morgan Freeman and Tom Cruise in his phone. Gerard admitted that he occasionally forgot he was entitled to contact famous co-stars and still felt like a Scottish boy wondering whether it was acceptable to text them.
Hollywood Innuendo Bingo
Gerard embraced Innuendo Bingo before it had officially begun, spraying Chris simply because Scott’s instructions amused him. Once the clips started, Gregg Wallace praised the flavour inside a contestant’s pie and a soap character offered somebody her dumpling. Carol McGiffin remembered nibbling a male model’s breast, Tinie Tempah was tempted to enter himself and Phil Spencer inspected a snug entrance and filthy carpet.
Jamie Oliver promised jam would give a shine to his balls before explaining how he tickled them about. Coronation Street supplied a woman who had not let a man inside her purse since decimalisation, while a BBC football commentator described a man up another player’s backside. The final clip from The Cube concerned the growing distance between balls and a hole.
Gerard repeatedly requested more water and soaked Chris properly rather than holding back for the cameras. He left Radio 1 without dry trousers or underwear and went directly to an interview on BBC London wrapped in towels. Presenter Robert Elms noted the absence of trousers, accepted Gerard’s explanation that it was “the weather” and moved on, leaving Scott amazed that nobody demanded the full story.
Dear Scott plans a life-drawing class
The Posh Radio 4 Lady read a suggestion that Chris should turn 24 Years at the Tap End into a graphic novel after improving his skills at a life-drawing class. The listener also proposed interrupting the normally silent atmosphere with one of the programme’s toilet-style conversations.
Scott preferred the idea of streaming an entire class as Nude Drawing Live. The model would need to be reasonably fit, while Chris painted throughout the show to Radio 1’s music. Chris wanted either Scott or himself to model so the project stayed “in house”, but Scott remained unwilling after the unsolicited drawings.
Other messages included another unwanted celebrity newsletter subscription and a woman whose boyfriend objected to the candles and ornaments she brought into their shared home. Scott supported her right to fill the surfaces and defended candles as relaxing. Chris remembered lighting one alone in his bedroom only for his father to enter and become concerned about what exactly he was doing.
Real or No Real with Greg James
Greg James joined a game still overshadowed by Gerard’s visit. Injuries caused by intimate grooming really had increased fivefold, prompting Scott and Greg to suspect Chris had suffered an accident he refused to explain. Rowan Atkinson had not tripped over David Blunkett’s guide dog at Downing Street.
Cassie the space hedgehog really had fallen from a university spacecraft, although Cassie was a cuddly mascot carrying scientific equipment rather than a living animal. Searchers appealed to farmers, walkers and shopkeepers to help find her. European padded envelopes were not called “stiffy bags”, despite a long diversion through the pronunciations of Jiffy, Cif and their possible continental equivalents.
Scott and Greg finished level on 20 points. Gerard, however, remained the day’s unquestioned winner after turning a promotional interview into one of the feature’s most committed performances.
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