Greg James returns to Innuendo Bingo
Scott returned from his Easter break with Greg James waiting to play Innuendo Bingo. Greg rejected the protective onesie he had worn previously and sat so close to Chris that his long legs were almost wrapped around him.
The game began with Matthew Wright suggesting that somebody made redundant could return to Canada and “eat beaver”. Greg sprayed his water straight into Chris’s face, but Chris caused the greater concern by failing to produce a proper spray at all. Water simply dribbled continuously from his mouth, leading viewers to compare him with a sprinkler and a small water feature.
Mary Berry warned that something would come all over the mirror, Elaine Paige enjoyed “a bit of a tickle up here” and a wildlife expert reported having shags on eggs by 24 March. Other clips featured a gardener who cuddled tulips, Nana McQueen being fingered over a missing collection box and Phil Spencer declaring that he liked nothing more than a trimmed bush. Greg particularly enjoyed Dale Winton accepting “head” as a contestant’s answer and completely lost control of his water.
By the end, both players were soaked and Chris was still inexplicably leaking. Greg had approached the game as a serious competitor, maintained the requested eye contact and helped restore the feature to its simpler format after the increasingly aggressive games before Scott’s holiday.
Scott’s television holiday
Scott had spent much of his break in the Middle East watching television. He became fascinated by Arab Idol, where successful contestants were sent to Beirut rather than Hollywood, and confused by comedian Howie Mandel on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Mandel appeared to amuse everybody in the studio without Scott understanding why. Learning that the Deal or No Deal presenter avoided handshakes because of his fear of germs only raised more questions about how he managed the job.
The hire car was equally puzzling. It struggled for speed, had a wing mirror hanging off and developed a boot which would not close after Scott removed his luggage. A member of hotel staff eventually tried to secure it with string by torchlight in the middle of the night.
Scott also apologised to everybody seated near him on the flight home. He had repeatedly pushed his knees into the seat in front, put his feet through the gap beside another passenger’s armrest and awakened from a dream while making a helicopter motion with his hand next to a French woman. Chris said the ordinary rules of life seemed not to apply to him, while Scott promised to improve his behaviour on future flights.
The £25 Tenerife holiday becomes a £50 holiday
Chris remained determined to defend his remarkably cheap forthcoming trip to Tenerife. The apartment had originally cost £25 each for four people, but two friends had withdrawn after hearing Scott’s warnings, doubling the remaining guests’ share to £50 each. Flights, meals and drinks were not included, although Chris believed there would be a welcome hamper.
He insisted the apartment had no bad online reviews and regarded that as proof of an exceptional bargain. Scott thought the complete absence of complaints was more suspicious than reassuring and still expected cranes, rubble and 2am bin collections. He hoped Chris could provide a live television-style report during the holiday, but realised he would be at Eurovision at the same time. Chris promised photographs of himself relaxing beside the pool instead.
Real or No Real with Charlie Sloth
Charlie Sloth arrived from 1Xtra and began by inventing a convincing explanation of how Eminem had supposedly written “The Real Slim Shady” after somebody else answered to his name in a doctor’s waiting room. The actual claim, that the song was completed in a three-hour panic before the album deadline, was real, but Charlie admitted that his detailed waiting-room story was not.
The University of Lisbon did not use Scott’s old handovers with Zane Lowe to teach challenging English. Scott remembered the often-wordless exchanges fondly, even though they had rarely made conventional sense. Pink really had learned the French sounds in “Lady Marmalade” without initially knowing their meaning, while Maria Sharapova had not accidentally tweeted her phone number and spent four days discussing hair care and stain removal with fans.
Scott won by 30 points to Charlie’s ten. Charlie nevertheless supplied the more memorable stories, including another claim that he and Rihanna had dated until their incompatible flatulence brought the relationship to an end.
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