A Tap End farewell to the one that doesn’t speak
With the one that doesn’t speak due to leave the programme at the end of the week, Chris dedicated 24 Years at the Tap End to their friendship. He had known the producer before joining the show and described him as a good friend whose enthusiasm for football, cricket and uncomplicated food closely matched his own.
Their shared diet was summarised as “Bajan Beans”, a more exotic-sounding term for beige food and beans. It covered the pies, pasties and other colourless meals they regularly ate together, and sounded to Chris like something Rihanna might order rather than a steak slice with baked beans.
Batman and ukulele nights
Many of the ridiculous situations Chris had encountered on the show began with the one that doesn’t speak. An early example sent him across London in a full Batman costume to audition for an arena production. He had not been warned that acting or an American accent would be required, and had to perform “There’s been a murder in Gotham City” in front of news cameras. The failed accent continued to haunt him.
Away from work, the pair had discovered a pub’s ukulele night with Aiden Grimshaw. Chris went downstairs and found roughly 50 people gradually joining a lead player for songs ranging from Bon Jovi to Busted. They returned several times and eventually joined in, with a video capturing Chris, the one that doesn’t speak and Aiden playing “Complicated”. Scott had been invited repeatedly but always cancelled.
Chris borrows an identity at the Brits
Chris had never attended the Brit Awards, but the previous year he had taken the one that doesn’t speak’s invitation to an after-party. Worried that security would discover the substitution, he introduced himself throughout the night as “the one that doesn’t speak”. The name took him on to a boat travelling down the Thames and into a party filled with musicians and reality stars.
He spoke emotionally with Mr Hudson, chatted to Stooshe and reached the party on land, where he spotted Emma Bunton. She was the first girl he remembered strongly admiring, but when she asked his name, he again replied that he was the one that didn’t speak. Without any context, the introduction sounded disturbing and Emma moved away quickly.
Chris was finally attending the ceremony in his own right that evening. He hoped to meet Emma again and explain himself, while adding a disclaimer that nothing he had done under the borrowed identity should affect the genuine one that doesn’t speak as he began a new job.
Scott wins for Millie
Scott revisited the previous evening’s competition to send a listener to the Brit Awards. His challenge was nearly over at the first question, when he failed to realise that Millie’s favourite Radio 1 presenter was obviously the person whose programme she listened to: Scott himself.
The hardest question asked which British Breakthrough nominee Millie wanted to win. Scott had not included that in their two-minute conversation. Sara Cox advised him to think about the other music Millie liked, leading him from her enthusiasm for Muse towards Ben Howard. The guess was correct and kept him in the competition.
Scott ultimately won, prompting an enormous scream from Millie when the result was announced. She and her friend Rhys would attend that evening’s ceremony. Millie said the result had caused an emotional roller coaster among the seven other girls in her house, particularly when the British Breakthrough question appeared to end her chances.
She most wanted to see Muse, Emeli Sandé and Taylor Swift, while Scott hoped to brush past Justin Timberlake’s performance with an air horn. Both still faced the less glamorous problem of finding somewhere to change before arriving at the O2.
Funky Pie and a Brit Awards Real or No Real
Scott’s flatmate brought home a small dessert from an Indian restaurant called Funky Pie. Its appearance made Scott suspicious, but listeners quickly explained that it was a popular biscuit base filled with vanilla ice cream and topped with toffee and hazelnuts. Reassured by the response, he decided to eat the portion waiting in his fridge.
The Brit Awards edition of Real or No Real confirmed that Chumbawamba’s Danbert Nobacon had thrown water over Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott in 1998, and that Brandon Block had walked on stage believing he had won an award which did not exist. The game also said the KLF had sent a motorcycle courier to collect an award after leaving early, while Adele had not spoiled her 2011 performance of “Someone Like You” by passing wind during its second verse. A suggestion that the Brit trophy had been modelled on Abs from Five briefly confused everybody before being firmly corrected as no real.
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