Vanessa Feltz confirms two extraordinary stories
Vanessa Feltz had been on the show’s Innuendo Bingo wish list for a long time and arrived without fully appreciating how wet she was about to get. Before the game, Scott used the opportunity to confirm two Vanessa facts previously used on Real or No Real.
She really had shared a childhood kiss with Pete Tong while they were on holiday, and she really had written a sex-advice book with the unforgettable title What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them for the Fruit Salad!. Vanessa delivered both facts with such complete confidence that Scott wondered why anybody had doubted them.
Trevor Nelson had also propositioned her in the building moments earlier, giving Vanessa exactly the freewheeling mood the show wanted before the water arrived.
Vanessa Feltz gets properly soaked
Vanessa asked Chris to aim away from her hair and towards her chest where possible. That arrangement lasted only so long once clips from Radio 2, First Dates, women’s football, Big Brother, golf, local radio, This Morning and Coronation Street started landing.
She was initially in complete control, laughing at the absurdity and firing back at Chris. The clips included a new rabbit going up the back garden, somebody unable to provide any head behind a bar, footballers wanting balls in behind and a particularly productive discussion of Charles Dickens’ sister Fanny.
Then Chris caught her squarely in the face with a large spray. Water ran through her makeup and Vanessa appeared briefly stunned by the force of it. She carried on, but Scott later admitted there was a moment when he thought she might simply leave.
By the finish Vanessa was drenched and preparing to go shopping for a present for her producer. Scott called her performance legendary, while the full video gave listeners the chance to inspect whether the atmosphere really had changed after that decisive hit.
Chris discovers his love of a side
Scott had noticed something strange about eating with Chris: no meal was ever complete without a side dish, often one substantial enough to be a second meal. Poached eggs came with hash browns and a sausage, a burrito with soup and, most memorably, pizza with a side of lasagne.
Chris defended the habit by calling it “fusion”. Scott explained that fusion cuisine did not mean ordering two Italian dishes at once, but Chris remained convinced that a menu existed precisely to let him combine whatever he wanted.
The discussion eventually became less about food and more about the remarkable fact that Chris could eat this way without becoming enormous.
Facebook needs something less loaded than Like
Chris also objected to Facebook’s Like button when it was used on somebody’s partner’s photographs. If a girlfriend changed her profile picture and a collection of men immediately clicked Like, he argued, everybody knew the approval could mean more than simple acknowledgement.
The show therefore searched for a safer label. “Seen”, “acknowledged”, “noted” and “respectfully approve” were considered, with Chris favouring anything that conveyed recognition without sounding flirtatious.
Radio 1 then posted an old photograph of Scott and Chris and explicitly asked people not to like it. Predictably the request produced a flood of likes, proving that the campaign had achieved the opposite of its stated aim.
Pitbull cancels before Breakfast even begins
The provisional Pitbull appearance announced the previous day disappeared almost immediately. Scott had been warned not to get too excited by a light-pencil booking and had ignored the warning completely, so the cancellation hit exactly as producers had feared.
The rest of the Breakfast Show line-up remained formidable, including Tara Reid, Mark Wahlberg, Chloë Grace Moretz, Amanda Seyfried, Rizzle Kicks, Ollie Locke and McLovin. Scott briefly wondered whether Sean Paul could be recruited as a substitute for Mr Worldwide.
Greg James plays Real or No Real
Greg James joined a round featuring an effectively immortal species of jellyfish, which was real and sent Chris into an excited theory about humans eventually borrowing its secret. Nicolas Cage really had owned an octopus and said studying it helped his acting, which Scott found entirely plausible after remembering a famously strange Cage interview of his own.
Davina McCall had not accidentally gone to the old Big Brother studios after leaving the programme, and Tom Daley was not making a hip-hop album with Tinchy Stryder. Scott swept the round with 40 points, leaving Greg on 10.
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