The £25 holiday was actually good
Scott returned from Eurovision expecting to hear that Chris’s implausibly cheap Tenerife holiday had become a disaster. Instead, Chris reported that the £25 accommodation had been excellent. A large construction site stood next door, but nobody worked on it during the week, the room was pleasant and the toilet functioned. He had even taken a boat trip to see whales and dolphins.
The welcome pack exceeded expectations with bread, other supplies and a bottle of Prosecco. The drink did not last long: when Watford reached the Championship play-off final, Chris sprayed it around the apartment in celebration. Scott had spent so long predicting cranes, timeshare sales and complaints that he found the successful trip almost disappointing.
Chris had acquired very little tan despite claiming to spend hours outside in carefully managed 15-minute sessions. Scott was more interested in the bathroom’s bidet, which Chris had refused to try. Having used one on holiday himself, Scott thought his life would have been changed.
Life inside the Eurovision bubble
Scott had spent a week thinking about little beyond Eurovision and needed the evening news to discover what else had happened. He admired host Petra Mede’s increasingly emphatic pronunciation of Malmö and her ability to carry a three-hour final alone. Her extended comedy song about Swedish culture, complete with meatballs moving across the stage, had been especially confusing for viewers who briefly fell asleep and woke during the performance.
The week had also changed Scott’s expectations of ordinary music. After days surrounded by contest entries, familiar records sounded unusual. He had bought bars of Swedish chocolate called Plopp for his colleagues, but inevitably left them at home and promised to remember them the following day.
Chris becomes Lolly Murs
The nightly entertainment at Chris’s resort featured tribute performers including Michael Jackson and Elton John. During the Jackson show, Chris had been pulled onstage, given a wig and made part of the Jackson 5. He returned convinced that resort tributes offered an easy money-making opportunity.
Scott suggested an Olly Murs act called “Lolly Murs”, with a hat and extremely tight trousers doing most of the work. Chris knew only fragments of the songs and hoped confidence could compensate. Unfortunately, listeners discovered an existing performer called Baldy Murs, who was touring with Robbie Williams tribute Blobby Williams.
Other possibilities included Bruno Mars, Rizzle Kicks and Gemma Collins. A talent agency said it needed a Collins performer, and Scott thought the resemblance was stronger than Chris wanted to admit. Chris’s plan had moved rapidly from singing on holiday to considering an entirely different celebrity.
Watford’s extraordinary route to Wembley
Chris had missed Watford’s play-off semi-final while abroad but followed it through messages. After losing the first leg against Leicester City, Watford faced elimination when Leicester won a penalty at the end of the return match. The kick was saved, the rebound was blocked and Watford raced to the other end to score the goal which sent them to the final at Wembley.
BBC Three Counties Radio’s breathless commentary captured the speed of the reversal. Chris had celebrated on the balcony and could barely explain the sequence without becoming excited again. Scott envied the strength of the emotion because very little in his own life produced a comparable reaction.
A listener suggested that Britain winning Eurovision might do it. Scott agreed, but considered that considerably less likely than Watford’s chance of being promoted in the final the following Monday.
Dan and Phil play Real or No Real without being there
Dan and Phil were in Los Angeles, so Scott and Chris played a special round containing facts about them. Phil really did hold a record for rapidly stacking two-pence coins, complete with online evidence. Dan had not accidentally attracted a million views to a blank video filmed inside his pocket.
The pair really had pursued their ambition of appearing in the audience of an American talk show, where Phil was visible in a close-up. They did not routinely save money while travelling by sharing one bed and sleeping top to tail. Scott won 20–10.
Scott and Chris had covered Dan and Phil’s Radio 1 programme the previous night, where Chris became unable to read an internet news story through laughter. At the forthcoming Big Weekend, Chris would join them backstage to make videos with the artists. He already planned to hand Jake Bugg a recording of the extra verse he had added to “Country Song”, an idea which made Scott fear for everyone involved.
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