Rylan Clark plays Innuendo Bingo
Rylan arrived already alarmed by the protective covers around the studio. He had a sore throat, a carefully prepared face and no desire to become wet, but assured Scott that his airbrushed foundation was waterproof. He sat opposite Chris while repeatedly attempting his own catchphrase, eventually correcting Chris from “drop it out” to “drop me out”.
The game began with Gary Barlow discussing how long he had spent going through Rylan on The X Factor. BBC local radio then entered Plymouth Hoe through its big entrance, Liza Tarbuck requested a bit of old Rod, and Dale Winton accepted “head” as a contestant’s answer. Rylan responded with shrieks, pleading and, at one point, an entire cup of water accidentally tipped over Chris rather than sprayed from his mouth.
Nana McQueen remembered being fingered over a missing collection box, football commentary described a player curling his balls away from the goalkeeper and Gardeners’ World brought back the evergreen sarcococca. Beetroot lollipops tested on friends and family were followed by Joan Collins pouring champagne over her comforter in Dynasty. Rylan’s cosmetics remained in place even while his clothes, beard and underwear became soaked.
The final clips included a contestant accepting beef on In It to Win It and a newspaper review saying somebody “fingers devious myths”. Rylan claimed never to be returning, then immediately said he wanted to come back. Scott later replayed the ten-minute game to count every cry, strange noise and expression of general distress. There were 11 distinct Rylan dramas.
Russell Howard’s global Good News
Russell Howard joined Scott ahead of a new series of Russell Howard’s Good News. His apparent tan and increased muscle prompted comparisons with Calvin Harris’s transformation, although Russell said sunshine and a visit to the gym were responsible. He resisted naming his fans the “How How Hows”, despite Scott’s immediate enthusiasm for the idea.
The programme’s team supplied around 30 stories each week, which Russell reduced to approximately 14 and then shaped with the writers. The next episode had fewer items because North Korean propaganda videos occupied so much space. Another story featured an American man in a relationship with his car, while a Russian dater had arranged for a friend to pose as a mugger so he could stage a heroic rescue.
Russell especially liked the mystery guest segment because he genuinely did not know whom he would meet. One encounter with the world’s oldest competitive fencer ended with a 76-year-old woman repeatedly striking him until he begged to stop and requested a hug, only to discover that she could not bend down to join him on the floor. He also discussed adapting British references for gigs in America, his forthcoming shows abroad and the unglamorous experience of removing women’s underwear after wearing it for a routine at the O2.
Scott confesses to JLS fans
The previous day’s JLS announcement kept Scott awake with guilt. During the period when “Love You More” was on the Radio 1 playlist, he had secretly created his own edit. The original moved through the first seven days of a relationship, but Scott rearranged the lines so almost everything happened on day two.
He played the altered version on air repeatedly and nobody noticed. With the band now separating, he felt obliged to reveal the deception and apologise. The confession also allowed Chris’s theory about music running out to continue, as 30 Seconds to Mars appeared to borrow drums from The Verve and another new record produced an immediate feeling that its sound had already been used.
Greg James plays Real or No Real
Greg joined the game while Scott connected permanent-marker dots on his arm into what Chris first called Orion’s Belt and then “Rylan’s Belt”. Women did not become measurably better singers when an attractive man could hear them, but the metal in a £1 coin really was said to be worth only four pence. Pink really had woken to find somebody had joined her facial moles with marker.
JB Gill was not descended from Eric Gill, designer of the Gill Sans typeface, and did not receive royalties each time it was used. That invention led to a tour of Verdana, Arial, Times New Roman and Wingdings, followed by the idea of creating a profitable Radio 1 font. Greg won 40–20.
Chris represents the show
Phil Taggart and Alice Levine were marking the four-and-a-half-month anniversary of their evening show with a live bedroom party. A real bed was being built in the studio, while DJs including MistaJam and Gary Lucy prepared sets. Scott and Chris had planned a deliberately uncomfortable run of slow, suggestive R&B for the moment when everybody gathered around it.
Scott then revealed that another commitment meant he could not attend. Chris would have to represent them alone, stick to the three agreed records and provide another kind of Plan B. Scott offered to record a video message, while Chris prepared to take full ownership of their joint musical choices.
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