Scott returns from the Eurovision Song Contest in Serbia with tales of a distinctly grim hotel (“for the unpretentious traveller”), mysteriously banned drinks at the arena bar, and an urgent investigation into whether guide pigs actually exist.
Scott kicks off the show fresh back from Belgrade, where he stayed in a hotel that lived down to its unpretentious billing. The lift was broken, his passport was confiscated by suspicious men who greeted guests with “cheeky cheeky,” and the bathroom was essentially a filthy cupboard where he had to crouch under a tap to wash. The floor was so disgusting he laid bed sheets on it just to walk around. He’d left voicemails for a friend updating her on the contest, but mixed drinks at the arena bar had him progressively less articulate—first allowed two beers, then banned to wine only, then back to beer in half-cups, creating a bewildering rotation that left him properly worse for wear.
This leads to the main mystery: during a Sunday catch-up in Belgrade, someone insisted you can get guide pigs. Scott’s skeptical but unsure, especially after playing “Annie’s Amazing Inventions” where most outlandish things turned out to be real. Listeners and a riding instructor call in to confirm guide ponies (small falabella ponies, mostly American) definitely exist, though guide pig confirmation remains elusive. One caller reveals “assistant pigs” appeared on a BBC farming show, and pigs are allegedly more intelligent than dogs—though measuring pig intelligence remains philosophically unclear.
The show also features badly bleeped TV (missing words from News Night and Newsbeat), a hilariously garbled EastEnders clip of Pat Butcher that sounds obscene, and a preview of Channel 5’s upcoming show “My Car, My Lover”—featuring a man called Edward who kisses his car repeatedly, including the bonnet and headlights.
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