Aberdeen’s sun miracle
Scott opened Friday with evidence. The day before, he’d sent positive thoughts to Aberdeen — which hadn’t seen sun in 70 years, or at least it felt that way — and yesterday afternoon, after the show mentioned it, the city had received 33 minutes of sun. BBC News confirmed it. “Aberdeen finally sees sun after 21 days of gloom,” the headline read. Scott was claiming credit. “Where should we try next? Dundee? Stirling? Your brighter days are coming. I’m like a slightly younger Michael Fish.”
The celebrity hairdresser photo hall of fame
Following Thursday’s revelation that Vernon Kay may have taken a photo of Professor Brian Cox to his hairdresser, the mailbag was overflowing. Claire in London had taken Princess Diana aged seven (“that style did not suit a seven-year-old”). Tess from Sheffield took Natalie Imbruglia circa 1998 and left looking like Richard Madeley. Brett from Essex took Duncan from Blue for the frosted tips. Someone wanted a tight curly perm and the hairdresser said absolutely not. Ellie was going to the hairdresser later that day and asked for suggestions. Listeners obliged.
Joe from Malden called in. She’s going for Emma Thompson — “the multitasking cut,” whatever it looks like at the end can be anything. Over the years she’s done Victoria Beckham’s pixie (didn’t quite turn out), Meg Ryan’s shaggy look, and the Farrah Fawcett with the rollers back in the day. “Some carried it off better than I did.”
Mike from Kent rang in as well. He’s a Michael Bublé tribute act, which means he has to constantly take in up-to-date photos of Bublé to make sure he’s as close as possible. “If I get a haircut and then he gets a haircut, it devastates me two days later.” Scott had never considered the pressure. If Robbie goes blonde, the tribute has to go blonde. If Kylie gets red hair, the Kylie tribute gets red hair. “Luckily I don’t have to wear a wig,” Mike said. “He’s been pretty constant with his hair for the last few years so I’ve been quite lucky.”
Jilly, the queen of the makeup department at Coronation Street, confirmed she takes a photo of Miss Piggy. “Big blonde curly blow. Past 10 years I’ve always taken a picture of Miss Piggy.” The team waves to Jilly every morning when she’s doing the Corrie cast’s makeup.
The sloppy Good Morning Minute
Gary Davies had insisted — and Scott hated saying the word — that Friday’s Good Morning Minute would be the Valentine’s Day sloppy edition. Listeners were invited to send in their undying love declarations. Carl in Warrington sent his wife Hannah a sloppy smack on the lips. Jackie and Paul were in Stratford with Shakespeare, 25 years married and still in love. Jamie in Loughborough said his fiancée was his soulmate and he couldn’t wait to marry her. Karen from Brackley sent love to her husband of nearly 30 years, Trucker Daryl. Sophie had met Dan a year ago on Valentine’s Day and now they were going to Six Nations Rugby together. “Not complaining. I’ll be watching men in short shorts running around.”
Scott wrapped it up and never said the word sloppy again.
The oat milk debate (or: oat juice, as it’s now known)
Tina arrived with her usual oat milk flat white. Scott announced he’d been hooked to Jeremy Vine’s show the day before during the oat milk debate. It had gone right off. People were really angry. The question: is oat milk milk? Answer: no. Not from a mammal. “So what, Tina’s got to now order an oat juice flat white?” Ellie asked. Scott confirmed. “Yes, that’s exactly what we’ve got to do.”
Someone had said, well what about coconut milk? Apparently coconut milk has been called coconut milk for so long that it gets left out as an exception. Oat milk, however, does not. If you look at the carton, most now say “oat drink” rather than oat milk. “Oat juice porridge,” Connor from Portsmouth wrote in. “Enjoy your oat juice porridge.”
Pause for Thought: World Radio Day
Ray Duke arrived with a reminder that it wasn’t just Valentine’s Eve — it was also World Radio Day. “Some days arrive with a megaphone. You can’t nip to the shops without being ambushed by hearts and last-minute roses. Today is World Radio Day, slipping in without a chocolate box in sight.”
He’d been at his daughter’s school talent show the night before. She’d performed, his son had been her hype man with flash mob hands. “The stage became a revolving door of bravery — children darting in and out, singing and dancing to tracks they adore. Lyrics about heartbreak delivered by eight-year-olds who still need help with their laces.” He’d heard Mel C’s I’ll Become One and it reminded him how a song can evolve alongside you. “It’s the same melody but carrying more of life in it than it used to. And that’s radio at its best — comfort and surprise in the same breath.”
World Radio Day, proclaimed by UNESCO in 2011, is a thank you to the presenters we grow up with and the journalists who carry difficult truths with care. This year’s theme: radio and artificial intelligence. “AI can assist as a tool but not as an embodied voice. It can process data but it cannot live a human life. And that’s why we love radio — not because it’s flawless, but because it’s human.” Real trust, he said, could never be automated. It’s built gradually in the everyday moments.
The quiz: Flora and the triumph
Flora from Clevedon was 62 (or was she? The transcript isn’t clear, but she was practicing Grade 6 piano which she’d been working on since last April). She’d done Grade 5 aged 14 but had always been annoyed with herself for not carrying on. Her piano teacher Jo puts on a little concert and Flora had been the only adult — everyone else was a child. “It’s just quite intimidating.” She listens to the show with her family (two boys, Finley and Alex, eight and ten) over breakfast. The quiz is packed lunch time, after that it’s coats on, bags packed, out the door.
The situation this week: Monday’s Trish got 21. Thursday’s Jason got 21. If Flora also got 21, that’s three egg cups to distribute. Flora did not get 21. Flora got 36. A storming performance. The rain question was controversial — she said mist was another word for rain. The quiz buzzed. “If I go out in mist I get wet, so therefore it must be rain,” Scott argued on her behalf. The quiz was firm. “Mist is a weather phenomenon consisting of tiny water droplets suspended in the air, creating a thin hazy layer. A bit like fog. Not rain.” Flora’s score stood at 36 regardless. One of the all-time greats.
Big Guest Friday: Tinie Tempah
Tinie Tempah arrived first. The man who, years ago at a Radio 1 Big Weekend, introduced Scott to the world of luxury perfume. “This wonderful aroma suddenly fills the room. My nostrils went into overdrive.” Scott had asked what it was. Tinie told him. Scott didn’t tell anyone else. “At the time. But everyone has started to wear it since.” They both agreed not to say what it was on air. Scott now carries a little spritz ready in the studio, just for Tinie.
On the name: it came from secondary school. He was 13 or 14, wanted to start rapping, needed a cool name. Before Tinie Tempah he was called Facer. “Which is, yeah, not great. Sounds like you’re in Blazing Squad.” Tinie Tempah is a juxtaposition — very calm personality, but when he gets on stage the Tempah comes out. “It’s a bit like when people set up their first email accounts and they didn’t realise they’d be stuck with them for decades.” He tried being just Tinie for a while when doing TV work but had to go back.
On Dragon’s Den: he’s a guest dragon appearing on the show from next Thursday, 8pm, BBC One. He sat alongside Deborah Meaden, Peter Jones, Steven Bartlett, and Touker Suleyman. The den was nerve-wracking. “They do this day in day out. Their questions are super sharp. They know how to break down a business in ways I’ve never seen before. I was kind of playing catch up for the first couple of hours but after a while got into my rhythm.”
The secret he gave away: at lunch, all the Dragons have to wear bathrobes. Scott was stunned. “Why?” “I assume it’s so stuff doesn’t go on the outfit.” Because they have to wear the same clothes for every episode so they can cut between them. Which means they must be very messy eaters. Scott and Sara Pascoe (who’d joined by this point) determined it was definitely Touker. “Just get Touker a bib,” Sara suggested. “Deborah Meaden’s having her carrot sticks. Steven Bartlett’s having Huel. This is definitely Touker.”
He’d met Steven Bartlett at a wedding — “one of the best weddings of all time.” The groom was Umaz. Mariah Carey performed. Andrea Bocelli performed. “What? At this wedding?” Scott was in disbelief. “10 times better than my wedding. I wanted to redo my whole thing.” Mariah had a diamanté drink cup holder. He’d never seen anything like it.
Is the cash on the table real? Tinie wouldn’t say. “I’m not going to give away the secrets of the den. All I want to say is I was tempted to take all of it.”
Big Guest Friday: Sara Pascoe
Sara Pascoe joined next. Mock the Week is back on a Freeview channel with Dara and the gang. It’s longer now, there are fewer rules, it might be a little bit more risqué at times. “They let you have wine in a mug.” The news is heavy at the moment, she said, so you have to find the bits that are funny. “I thought the fact that Peter Mandelson’s husband spent that money on an osteopath course was quite funny in a whole thing that actually involves lots of corruption and bad people and negativity. So is he a trained osteopath? Is he doing that from home now?”
She’s also done Race Across the World (which she won) and a new show for TLC called Zero Stars about staying in really poorly reviewed hotels. When they pitched it to her and Roisin it sounded hilarious. They’d shown a video of a hotel in Georgia where the receptionist can see into your room through a spyhole. They thought it would be so funny. Then they realized: oh, you will actually have to go to those places.
In Brazil, Race Across the World, budget £4 for accommodation, they got to the room and there was an open fridge in the middle. Sara saw two cockroaches in the corner. “I didn’t tell Sam because luckily he didn’t see them but they were all over our face all night.” In Albania there was a lift that could stop at any floor and just opened into your bedroom. “It had gunmen outside. I kept asking reception why is there people with guns and they were like ‘safety.'” One hotel had a mattress made of hair. “I don’t know if it was human.” They slept on the carpet.
Tinie travels with his own stuff: pillowcases, duvet covers. Sometimes. “It depends on where you’re going but yeah sometimes.” Sara asked if he has two separate duvets on one bed, Scandinavian style. He does. “Very Scandinavian but actually a better night’s sleep as a couple. You both wake up really rested. You can look each other in the eye at breakfast time.”
Big Guest Friday: Faye Tozer
Faye from Steps joined last. She’d done The Chase with Sara years ago. They’d struggled. Sara had been asked what Simba’s father was called in The Lion King and said “Daddy.” “And I get people writing me — it’s for charity, please do it seriously. I honestly just didn’t know the answer.”
Faye is currently in the first ever UK tour of Mean Girls the musical. She’s playing three characters: Ms. Norbury (the Tina Fey teacher role), Regina George’s mum (“I’m not a regular mum”), and Katie Heron’s mum (the biologist one). “I have the most crazy track.” There’s one bit where she goes behind a flat and has a nine-second costume change. “From the whole biologist safari outfit into this bright pink thing with massive boobs and things.” The costume is underneath, underdressed, they rip off the safari outfit, do a quick wig change, she’s got a sage stick in her hand for the safari side, then walks on with Regina in a wheelchair with a neck brace.
Scott had interviewed Rachel McAdams and Margot Robbie earlier in the week. Rachel had talked about how much she wanted to be in Mean Girls when she got the script. Margot had said she used to watch Rachel’s audition for The Notebook before her own auditions to get inspiration. And Margot had recently said on Graham Norton that on the Barbie set they wore pink on Wednesdays because of Mean Girls. “How crazy is that?”
Scott also learned that Tinie had been on Lisa Scott-Lee’s hen do. Well, not the hen do — his stag do. Lisa was there. She ended up in the boot of the people carrier because she’s the smallest and they hadn’t booked a big enough vehicle. “In the video she’s at the back going [Steps choreography] but you can hardly see her.” Good memories. Lisa likes to party. “Can’t keep up with her.”
The business pitches
With Tinie in Dragon’s Den mode, Scott suggested they pitch him some business ideas. Sara went first: “I’m looking for £100 for 50% of my business.” The idea: humane pickpocket traps. On the tube in London, pickpocketing is still an issue. Her solution: mousetraps that you put in your pockets. Someone puts their hand in, snap, you’ve got them, their fingers are caught, you walk them to the police. Tinie liked the concept but had concerns about accidentally catching yourself. Sara’s secondary invention: big mittens that you wear so you don’t catch yourself in your own traps. Pre-seed stage. Tinie was out.
Faye pitched next (Sara had whispered the idea to her): Tiny Toast. A cereal that’s tiny pieces of toast. You can eat it dry as a breakfast bar or put milk in it and it’s still lovely. Slightly sweetened. “When toast is too much you just need something little.” Asking for £500. Tinie was immediately in. “I’m going to give you all of the money.” He wanted to be the face of it but needed more equity. They settled on £500 for 80%. Deal done. The team had already come up with branding: Tinie Tozer’s Tiny Toast.
Scott pitched last: Excuse Me™, the smart doorbell for avoiding people. The problem: you’re home, lights are on, you’ve made eye contact through the window, it’s too late, they know you’re in. The solution: a smart doorbell add-on that plays pre-recorded life chaos sounds when someone rings. Options include crying baby on loop, aggressive barking dog, loud couple arguing about IKEA furniture, “sorry we’ve got COVID” (still effective), vacuum cleaner running. Tinie flagged an issue: if the delivery man goes to multiple houses using the same device with the same audio recordings, he’ll suss it’s not real. Scott’s doorbell would have multiple sound options. Tinie was out.
New music
Peppa Pig has released a cover of Rihanna’s Diamonds. Scott, Tinie, and Sara all listened together. Tinie’s review: “It’s got that Dua Lipa and Elton John Cold Heart sort of production. High praise. She’s great. I’m going to go and see her live.” The tour could be Tinie and Tinier. They could do a whole thing at Peppa Pig World.
Winter Olympics: Matt Weston
Matt Weston and Marcus Wyatt were competing in the men’s skeleton final in the evening. Weston was in prime position for gold after recording the two fastest runs in the heats. He’d set a new track record, becoming the only slider under 56 seconds in Cortina. “I’ve been in this situation at major champs where I’ve been an overnight leader. I know how to act. I know how to be. So I’m going to trust in what I know.” Team GB was still waiting for its first medal of the Games.
The handover
Vernon arrived at 9:30. Eight artists remain in Piano Room Month — halfway there. He’d seen Mika too. “He’s good. He’s on good form.” They thought they’d lost him in the crowd at one point when he jumped off stage to sing Big Girl You Are Beautiful while running through the entire audience. “He is taller than you think though.” Vernon’s taking a well-deserved break over the weekend. Monday: Baz Luhrmann at 8am.
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